The Sara Adventure

Giving birth is a life changing experience. Having a newborn is even more of a life changing experience. For the first week of Grace's life she was something to worry about, and difficult to enjoy. Being in the nursery was hard on us, and by the time she came home I was so emotionally exhausted, that I already needed a break from her. I was overwhelmed. For the first week she was home I cried every day. It seemed like she was trapping me and I had all these thoughts about "why in the world did I want this?!" She puked on me twice and had diarrhea, and I thought for sure she was sick already. She was eating all the time. I mean, often hour after hour and I didn't have enough milk for her. We kept trying but she was so upset. I wanted to quit nursing.

But then things changed. After she was two weeks old and past her first growth spurt, we became different people. I started smiling at her and seeing what other people saw. She was so beautiful, and she already loved me so much. I finally looked at her and saw my daughter, not a burden. That's when I realized that bonding isn't immediate for everyone, especially women who have been separated from their babies at the beginning. I want to encourage women with newborns to not feel guilty if it's not love at first sight. Having a new baby IS hard and it IS a burden at first. Don't let anyone tell you how you are supposed to feel.

I finally started playing with her, and kissing her. Instead of being anxious when she started to wake up I became excited. I can't wait to hear her little noises and kiss her little cheeks. What a difference a couple weeks can make! It's not always easy... in fact, most of the time it's not. She has a lot of demands, and I often can't figure out what she needs right away. However, she is amazing. She can smile at me, and make little noises. Sometimes she even laughs as she falls asleep! She grows right before my eyes... out of some of her clothes already! She knows my voice and listens close when I start talking.

My point is I've always loved my daughter, but now I'm starting to feel like I know her. Hard to imagine life without her already. Some days I wish she could tell me what she wants, but I also realize that some day I will wish she was 3 weeks old again. My job now is to enjoy her as she is, and be amazed at how quickly she is growing.

So my mom told me I should start blogging again. She said it's more personal than facebook, which is where she generally sees my daily thoughts. She likes to read what I have to say. Well, of course she does, she is my mom. Now that I'm a mom I know that you care about everything your child does. If Grace gets her diaper changed by someone else, I even want to know in great detail what they found inside. So, my mom wanting to read what I write is not necessarily enough motivation for me to start up my blog again.

I decided to just start writing and see where I ended up. I want to see if blogging is enjoyable. Let me think, why would I write a blog? Probably to get things off my chest or out of my mind. You know, that whole idea of once you write it down or tell someone you are free from it. That would make the audience of the blog myself. I could write to inform others of what's going on in my life. That would make my audience my mom, which is why I started writing today anyway. I guess I could write to encourage or inspire people. Tell my thoughts in an effort to make people feel warm and fuzzy.

You know, maybe I could write for all 3 of those audiences. I could just write whatever I want and readers should just be aware that you never know what you're going to get! If I warn you, then you can't have expectations. So don't. You are reading my journal, with little to no filter.